Something was wrong with the things she had in mind. At first to her, they seem menial, and were of no importance. As the days go by, she became more aware of her ever-present thoughts bombarding her mind like a plague. She had to do something to get her mind off of them.Then, she started writing again.
There was the financial problem where she could find no balance in her savings and expenses. This was strange, given her horoscope, she is a Libran, a sign symbolized by the scale depicting a balance in one’s life. She found it odd that she couldn’t keep track of what she spent on, and what she had saved. Little by little, all her savings disappeared by the end of the month. This could be because of her smoking habit, she realized as she lit up yet another cigarette to ease her raging thoughts.
Also, she had an addiction with beauty products and retail therapy. They always seem to calm her, make her feel beautiful and good on the inside. She loved the feeling of new clothes, the material and texture of the tops in the stores. She loved the smell of new clothes, one which inspired her to come up with many outfits she could use the cute blue pants with. She especially loved window shopping online, on her iPhone, scrolling through pictures and pictures of beautiful models wearing pretty heels, and she longed to own them.
Money has always been a problem for her.
Then, there was the issue with her relationship. Truthfully, she had always felt as though she would be happier with another. Despite that thought, she knew that her beloved would not approve of her delinquent ways, leading her guy friends on and making moves on new hot guys she met in a mall. She wanted the attention, to bask in it, to soak herself in it. But her beloved seemed to think that her needs weren’t important.
She admired that he puts his family first. She had always thought highly of him, and that he would grow to be a respectful man one day. But what she couldn’t tolerate was him cancelling their plans at the last minute, making her weekends so wide open she felt as though her life had no adventure. She needed his commitment, but none was to be found. She only held on in hopes that he would change one day, maybe through the sacred ties of marriage. Once they are wed, perhaps, he would be more committed and pay attention to her. One can only hope.
Pounding at the back of her head, were the darkest thoughts of all – her insecurities. She had always felt that her body wasn’t thin enough, curvy enough, sexy enough. She had always wanted less around the waists, arms, thighs and calves. But alas, she wouldn’t go for any fitness therapies or diets even; she couldn’t control her hunger. She found no discipline in herself to be making strides in her physical aspects, hence, her only decision was to reduce her appetite and attempt to not surrender to her hunger.
Acne problems are the worst. Despite her regular facewash routine, she still couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why acne appeared on the darndest of places – her nose, cheeks, chin. They were ugly, and made her feel less beautiful on the outside. Now, she knew it was because acne problems can be hereditary, as well as it being a result of her smoking habits. But she couldn’t resist the temptation to smoke, to puff on a stick and watch her problems temporarily fade away like the smoke she exhales into the cool night air.
Leaning on the wall behind her as she sat outside her haven, she placed her iPhone on her lap, and lit up another as she sighed.