It was one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made – to let him go. He used to be my ray of sunshine, my light at the end of a tunnel; he saved me from being someone I was not. I was on the verge of being a cold-hearted being, at a very young age. I had a lot to lose, and he saved me. He made me fall in love with him. That was either a blessing, or a curse, or both.
Because once I’ve started loving, I can’t stop. Not until that person gives me a reason to not love him anymore. And that was what he did.
2 years and 3 months. That was how long it took for me to realize he was a poison. That was how long it took for me to see how much he had blinded me – how much my love for him had blinded me.
I saw him as the one thing in life that I could control, that I could fix. He was a broken toy, and I loved him. He was a constant in my life, and I loved that even more.
I tried. For months, I had tried to get him back on track, I tried to put a saddle on him and get him to be something that he was not – responsible. Then, it caught up to me.
He can never be the man I wanted him to be. He can never be good for me, only bad. He can never be supportive of what I want to do, especially if the things I wanted to do are out of my league. He can never bring me the life I wanted, and dreamed of.
I was tied to him in a monkey’s fist knot, and he was tied to me. Whatever we did, it affected the both of us.
I had him throwing punches at the wall, at his family, at people. He had me crying for him, begging for him, screaming and yelling for him. I thought that I’d gain control over him again. Little did I know, he was emotionally controlling me too.
He was selfless, dangerous, wild. But also single-minded, aggressive and obnoxious. He was the stallion, and I was the hunter. I wanted to control him again, to have him do whatever pleases me, but he wouldn’t have it.
He had to do things his way. He wanted me to do whatever pleases him, instead.
Despite my love for him, I clung on to whatever dignity and self-respect I still had – and I let him go.
Later that year, I was bound for Australia for a family trip; a vacation. And boy, that little holiday we had overseas, was one of the most precious moments I could ever recall in my entire life where I felt so free, and at peace.
It was one of the times where bliss recognized me, and found me. Where happiness was limitless, where peace was a buffet and I could eat for hours on end.
Letting such poison go was easy for me that year, and I shall never forget it.