It was one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made – to let him go. He used to be my ray of sunshine, my light at the end of a tunnel; he saved me from being someone I was not. I was on the verge of being a cold-hearted being, at a very young age. I had a lot to lose, and he saved me. He made me fall in love with him. That was either a blessing, or a curse, or both.

Because once I’ve started loving, I can’t stop. Not until that person gives me a reason to not love him anymore. And that was what he did.

2 years and 3 months. That was how long it took for me to realize he was a poison. That was how long it took for me to see how much he had blinded me – how much my love for him had blinded me.

I saw him as the one thing in life that I could control, that I could fix. He was a broken toy, and I loved him. He was a constant in my life, and I loved that even more.

I tried. For months, I had tried to get him back on track, I tried to put a saddle on him and get him to be something that he was not – responsible. Then, it caught up to me.

He can never be the man I wanted him to be. He can never be good for me, only bad. He can never be supportive of what I want to do, especially if the things I wanted to do are out of my league. He can never bring me the life I wanted, and dreamed of.

I was tied to him in a monkey’s fist knot, and he was tied to me. Whatever we did, it affected the both of us.

I had him throwing punches at the wall, at his family, at people. He had me crying for him, begging for him, screaming and yelling for him. I thought that I’d gain control over him again. Little did I know, he was emotionally controlling me too.

He was selfless, dangerous, wild. But also single-minded, aggressive and obnoxious. He was the stallion, and I was the hunter. I wanted to control him again, to have him do whatever pleases me, but he wouldn’t have it.

He had to do things his way. He wanted me to do whatever pleases him, instead.

Despite my love for him, I clung on to whatever dignity and self-respect I still had – and I let him go.

Later that year, I was bound for Australia for a family trip; a vacation. And boy, that little holiday we had overseas, was one of the most precious moments I could ever recall in my entire life where I felt so free, and at peace.

It was one of the times where bliss recognized me, and found me. Where happiness was limitless, where peace was a buffet and I could eat for hours on end.

Letting such poison go was easy for me that year, and I shall never forget it.

Our World: A Short

After an hour I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to get away from that horrid place.

The place where grass did not grow.

Where metal beasts are allowed to run in the open, back and forth.

Where little children are being kept in cages, and left alone.

Where people like me would walk around and talk to themselves, as though somebody was there with them.

I had to get away from there.

I ran across the great muddy fields, climbed high over the fences that separated our world and theirs, and never looked back until I had reached the comfort of my own home.

When I finally stopped and felt the familiar ground, scattered with hard pebbles and pinecones, I looked around at my homely surroundings and took a deep breath.

Ahh, pure and natural air.

I crawled into the safety of my cave, and kneeled across my brother who, like me, was dressed in a burlap sack and was busy picking his nose, indicating, “What have you found?”

I scraped my fingers across the floor, and tapped my foot 3 times. “They have flat and cold floors!”

My brother gasped. “No grass or trees?”


He urged me to fill him in with more details of the horrible world I had just returned from. “Well c’mon then! What else?” He clapped his hands.

“They have big tall trees with people living in them!

“Oh dear!”

“They have colored caves with holes where you can see people eating in them!”

“How intrusive!”

“They have beasts that are shiny and could move without legs!”

“The monstrosity!”

He backed away further into the cave, his eyes bigger than the leaf saucers we use for our daily morning dew. He had his hands to his ears, unwilling to hear anymore of my stories.

I approached him apprehensively, holding out my hand to reach for him in an attempt to calm him.

“Relax, brother. They will not find us,” I comforted him. As soon as my hand touched his arm, his eyes softened. My brother was always the scaredy-cat among us, but he was brave, too. In a way.

“We have to… We have to warn the others! The others!” He exclaimed, pushing me against the wall and running out into the night.

I sighed, picked up his burlap sack that he left behind and went after him.

Aggression: Types & Causes

Aggression happening in the world are on the rise, and they can be divvied up to different kinds of aggression. Many factors can cause a particular aggression, such as social, biological, psychological and even environmental factors. This essay will discuss the definition of aggression, the causes of aggression, the types of aggression, a case study analysis of one type of aggression, and a conclusion.

Aggression is defined as a “hostile act or feeling” (Fowler, Fowler & Sykes, 1978). It is a strong emotion that can be triggered through internal or external factors, such as physical or environmental factors. An act is only considered as ‘aggression’ when the pre-conditions are met: physical or psychological pain is intended and causing another person harm.

Dollard, Doob, Miller, Mower, and Sears (1939), when proposing the Frustration-Aggression Hypothesis, defined aggression as “the state that emerges when circumstances interfere with a goal response” (Beck, 2005).

Aggression can also be defined as an act aimed to harm or injure another person, who is inclined to avoid such treatment (Baron, 1977). In his book, Baron (1977) also provided some examples of acts of aggression, such as physical violence occurring in families and marriages – marriage abuse, parental abuse, family and sibling abuse – as well as murders or homicides. It was also mentioned in his book that the most common sources of aggression are physical and psychological pain.

Acts of aggression can range from anger to murder, and sometimes it is a natural response to conflicts, confusion and anger. It can stem from anger or frustration from internal or external conditions. Receiving disapproval regarding social, political or religious beliefs, social inequalities and competition over material resources are examples that can cause an aggressive response (Fuentes, 2012).

It is also be triggered by a particular reason – when a change is brought about – or for a cause – to bring about a change. In The Journal of Psychology, Holm (1983) proposed the definition of aggression as having a similar concept – “with intent to harm”. This intent subsequently leads to specific purposes or goals one hopes to achieve when carrying out an act of aggression. The term “cause” in this case is limited to mean an intended action. Two conditions are to be met for an action to be deemed as aggressive: the acknowledgement to the actor of an intent to harm, and invalid reasons provided by the actor to justify his actions. The term “actor” is referred to as someone who had performed or carried out an act of aggression (Holm, 1983).

Other factors that can cause the probability of aggression are alcohol consumption, pain and discomfort, direct provocation, imitation, environmental stress, high expectations, size, strength and distance and reciprocal aggressiveness.

A hypothesis explaining the relationship between aggression and frustration, “The Frustration-Aggression Theory” by Dollard, Doob, Miller, Mower, and Sears (1939), suggested that the more frustrated a person is, the higher the probability of showing aggression. Frustration occurs when one is held back from achieving his goals. The closer he is to his goal, the more frustrated he will be when being held back from it (Holm, 1983).

Beyer (2014) also mentioned “The Frustration-Aggression Theory” and explained that frustrations are linked to negative stimuli, where a desired result is expected but one is prevented from achieving it. This deprivation of the expected reward motivates oneself to perform acts of aggression in hopes of achieving that reward. The definition of frustration here is given as the “interference with the occurrence of an instigated goal-response”.

Consuming excessive amounts of alcohol can make a person highly irritable and easily provoked. It leads to certain actions that are unacceptable in the social norms. The aggressive acts could be because of competition for attractive partners, over-crowding and other irritations like cigarette smoke, which can affect the irritability of others.

Pain and discomfort are sources of aggression as they can make one highly irritable and easily agitated. When coming across an irritant causing pain or discomfort, one attacks the nearest available object, carrying out an act of aggression in an attempt to reduce the pain or discomfort. Such irritants can be a rise in temperature, where the weather becomes too humid and one tries to escape the heat by pushing through a crowd of people.

Environmental stress also suggests a similar outcome – when one experiences a subtle change in the environment which is perceived as unpleasant, such as high temperatures or overcrowding, this will make him feel agitated and highly irritable, thus leading him to lash out at other people in an attempt to reduce this unpleasant change.

Direct provocation suggests that tension and provocation can result in aggressive behavior as well. This is similar to reciprocal aggressiveness, which suggests that when one finds himself in a situation where he is being treated aggressively, he will respond in a similar manner. Aggressive treatment in this case are such as inappropriate teasing or harsh criticism.

Children learn to perform acts of aggression from their parents or violent scenes on the television through observational learning. Bandura (1971) explained in his Social Learning Theory where the constant association with a certain person demarcates the kind of behavior one will grow to imitate. Parents in a household showing acts of aggression observed by their children indirectly teach their children that these acts are socially acceptable to achieve their goals. Youngsters will take these acts of aggression as a way to resolve conflicts, and when they are older, repeat the cycle as a way to socialize their own children. Similarly, when children are exposed to violent scenes on the television or other medias, they will take it as a socially acceptable way to achieve their goals.

The size, strength and distance of the source of frustration, however, can also determine the degree of aggressive response – it is more unlikely to carry out an act of aggression when the person who made one frustrated is bigger in size and is in one’s personal space. Also, the possibility of an aggressive response shown out of frustration during a phone call is higher, as the source of frustration is indefinite.

There are numerous acts of aggression shown in the world, and each of these acts can be categorized into three different kinds of aggression – each depending on the degree of hurt intended, the goal one wants to achieve and whether or not it is a valid reason to justify one’s action. These types of aggression are: hostile aggression or violence, emotional aggression and instrumental aggression.

Hostile aggression or better known as “violence”, is a type of aggression where its source is from the feeling of anger. When one feels angry at a person and has an intention to harm and inflict pain on the person, this act of aggression is labelled as “violence”. The term “violence” as defined by the World Health Organization (n.d.) is an act with “”the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, [or] maldevelopment”.

Emotional aggression is a type of aggression with the intent to hurt a victim psychologically, or rather sometimes physically. This aggression type is mostly associated with bar fights and arguments in a relationship.

Instrumental aggression, on the other hand, occurs with an aim to achieve something that is of value to a person or even to be in control of specific resources. Things that can be of value are such as inheritance. This type of aggression can also occur when one’s aim is to gain compliments and approval from peers for acting in a tough manner.

Case Analysis of a Type of Aggression: Aggressive Communication in Relationship

This case study focuses on a type of psychological abuse in relationships – aggressive communication. It includes the definition of relationship abuse, how one shows psychologically-aggressive behavior in a relationship, the psychological effects of verbally-abusive relationships and proposed solutions to these key problems.

When the term “relationship abuse” is used, it usually refers to the physical or psychological aggression in a relationship, in most cases, involves a male and a female. A relationship is the bond two people have that connects them on an intimate or romantic level. An abuse is an act of aggression, usually with an aim to hurt a person, be it physically or psychologically (Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary & Thesaurus, 2016).

Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern of control (Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness, 2015).

A romantic and passionate relationship between two people can change for the worst when a partner demands more control or power in the relationship. An outburst of violence in a relationship forces the other partner into vulnerability and give in to these demands. It is an act of aggression to claim superiority and to put oneself in a position to be the one who gets to make the decisions.

Psychological abuse in a relationship include making demands, threaten to hurt or leave the relationship, showing superiority, and criticizing the partner (Chang, 1996). In her book, Chang also provided a thorough definition of psychological abuse in relationships, which is a relationship that involves aggressive communication such as “verbal attacks, threats, accusation, verbal hostility, unrealistic expectations, domination, and/or name calling”.

The outcome of aggressive communication varies in different relationships, but usually a partner has an aim to agitate the other or to hurt the other psychologically and receive satisfaction (Rancer, 2009). In his chapter, one trait of aggression is assertiveness, defined as “the ability to stand up for one’s or another person’s rights” (Skills You Need, n.d.). In association with this trait is argumentativeness, which is given the definition: “a trait that predisposes individuals involved in a conflict to defend positions on controversial issues and to verbally attack the positions of others”. Another trait of aggressive communication is hostility, which involves the use of verbal communication to “express irritability, negativity, resentment and suspicion”.

Verbal aggressiveness such as the ones explained above can also be in the form of attacks on the characteristics of a person, competence attacks, use of vulgarities and profanities, and attacks on one’s background and physical appearance (Rancer, 2009).

Aggressive communication can also be in the form of complaints, where one expresses his dissatisfaction and disdain towards the other. Complaints and criticism may have a good influential purpose, but in others, they damage the self-perception of a person, and makes one feel worthless (Trees, 2009).

The psychological effects of aggressive communication in relationships include the emotional effects, the impact on one’s well-being and the relational quality of the relationship.

When one finds himself or herself in the receiving end of a verbally-abusive relationship, he or she will usually feel hurt, disgraced, worthless and miserable. One might even feel angry and frustrated at the aggressor in the relationship for deliberately putting him down and belittling him. The aggressor, on the other hand, may feel a little remorseful and regret his verbal actions.

These emotional drives lead to the damaging of the individual’s well-being. Partners may feel pressured, tense and stressed. The psychological distress may lead to depression, which can in turn, lead to impaired mental health.

The relational quality of the relationship can be corroded by aggressive actions, be it verbal or physical. Verbal abuse, in a way, can be damaging in the relationship as it ruins the intimacy and passion (Trees, 2009). It is where one basically states his or her dissatisfaction and expectations outright, in a harsh manner. If taken seriously, one can find him or herself in the negatively-emotional state as mentioned above.

There is no one solution to this key problem in a psychologically-abusive relationship, which is communication. The relationship lacks understanding in both parties and couples must be able to understand each other in order to keep the relationship stable and comfortable. A frequent visit to a marriage counselor or a therapist can help both parties keep tabs on each other, and also understand each other a little more deeply. Having a third-person point of view of the relationship can also be helpful, unless it is biased and one-sided. It helps one see the big picture of the problems faced in the relationship, and upon seeing the bigger picture, one can subsequently identify the issues that caused the miscommunication in the relationship, and decide whether or not to make an effort to repair that relationship.

Because verbal aggressiveness in a relationship basically means one demands either attention or power through communication, the best way to solve certain issues identified is through talking it out. One cannot expect the other to simply know what he or she wants in a relationship if one does not communicate. Also, the way one communicates and the timing of the discussion must be taken into consideration for this method of repairing the relationship to be effective.

From this essay, aggression is explained as a form of attack that can be damaging to the physical, psychological, emotional and mental well-being of an individual. Not only is it a demand for power over valuable resources, it can also be an expression of dissatisfaction or anger. There are many types of aggression and they can be found in various situations, also depending on factors such as the goal of the act of aggression, and the source of aggression.

Aggressiveness can be triggered or caused by one or many sources, such as anger or frustration, receiving disapproval, excessive alcohol consumption, pain and discomfort, direct provocation, imitation, environmental stress, reciprocal aggression and size, strength and distance of the source of aggression.
Based on the case study analysis above, “Aggressive Communication in Relationships”, it is also explained how aggressiveness can be carried out in relationships and why individuals resort to using verbal abuse. It is easier to understand that there are reasons pertaining to acts of aggression in the world, and that the issues that caused this aggression can be identified using theories such as the Frustration-Aggression Theory. One can learn to communicate with others better lest an aggressive response is triggered.



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Books and Websites

  1. Beyer, C. (2014). Human Nature and the Essence of Aggression. Inequality and Violence: A Re-appraisal of Man, the State and War (pp. 39-50). Ashgate Publishing Group.
  2. Fowler, F. G., Fowler, H. W., & Sykes, J. B. (1978). The Pocket Oxford Dictionary of Current English (6th ed.). Oxford: Clarendon Press.
  3. Fuentes, A. (2012). The Roots of Human Aggression: Many Forms of Violence Require Extensive Cooperation. Retrieved from http://www.beinghuman.org/article/roots-human-aggression
  4. Holm, O. (1983). Four Factors Affecting Perceived Aggressiveness. The Journal of Psychology, 114(2).
  5. Beck, H. P. (2005). Social Psychology: The Frustration-Aggression Hypothesis. Retrieved from http://www1.appstate.edu/~beckhp/aggfrustrationagg.htm
  6. Baron, R. (1977). Human Aggression. New York: Plenum.
  7. Bandura, A. (1971). Social Learning Theory. New York: General Learning Press.
  8. Definition and typology of violence. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.who.int/violenceprevention/approach/definition/en/#
  9. Relationship. (2016). In Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary & Thesaurus. Cambridge University Press.
  10. What is Relationship Abuse? (2015). Retrieved from http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/what-is-relationship-abuse/
  11. Chang, V. N. (1996). I Just Lost Myself: Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage. Praeger.
  12. Rancer, A. S. (2009). Aggressive Communication. In H. T. Reis & S. Sprecher (Authors), Encyclopedia of Human Relationships (pp. 65-68). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications.
  13. Assertiveness – An Introduction. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html
  14. Trees, A. R. (2009). Criticism in Relationships. In H. T. Reis & S. Sprecher (Authors), Encyclopedia of Human Relationships (pp. 365-368). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications.